Updated: Dec 10, 2020
This year. Ooooooohhhhh, 2020. I can't wait to see how we all reflect on this year in the future.
Through the curfews, stay at home orders, and quarantines. Through the time alone and just too much time in my head in general. I came to many conclusions about myself this year and thought I'd share.
Sometimes I think momentarily that my life is hard. But only because people imply that it is.
Yes. This year has been a total yin and yang. Definitely had some ups, but for sure had some downs. And I think this is relatable for everyone.
When I re-cap this year, people respond with things like "I'm sorry", "it'll get better" and sometimes even --- " I want to cry for you" *crickets*. Something that implies that it's bad.
Personally, yes. I see it. I get it. I was denied unemployment. Denied stimulus. My dad was hospitalized. My international flights got canceled. I was homeless 6 months out of this year and lost work. The list goes on. We're all suffering from some form of depression, here. Let's be real.
But that's just one side of the coin. The other side. Is what I remember.
I remember standing above the clouds on the pacific coast highway. The sound of sea lions under the cliffs. Shooting photos with my close friend in LA. Chasing beaches nearly all year and skinny dipping at our pools at airbnbs we stayed at in Phoenix.
And yes, I remember the "bad' too. But the point it. It's just perspective. A life is neutral until someones opinion is given, and a perspective is shared.
2. My attention deficit / FOMO
When I travel...I'm happy. But I'm not productive. Productive in the sense that I do have a list of things I'd like to accomplish and get done on a daily basis and constant travel makes it hard to achieve some of them.
When I'm going to a new place, I want to experience it. As if that's my only purpose to be there. To see something new, to meet a new person, to be engulfed in the newness.
As much as I love working mobily (on my laptop) and having music as my passive income. Being glued to a screen while in a beachfront ANYTHING just doesn't feel right. Sometimes I find work + travel = being half present.
In summery, my FOMO has gotten so obvious to me this year because every day life isn't exciting. It's not supposed to be. And that's something I'm adjusting to calling "normal" at times.
3. The Value Of Moments
People say one of the perks to journaling is increased memory. Most likely because you basically have a book full of your life. For me, I think that thing is video. The moments. The value of moments.
I tend to lose my SD cards and when I find them, I have emotional reactions because there are already so many things I've forgotten and I'm only 23. All of these little clips from the last few years. And as soon as I watch them I just think "wow, what a cool life" or "wow this is mine"
4. Being around crazy inspiring people
In this case...I'm probably just referring to people in L.A.
It's something I missed so much and therefor learned this about myself. Most just since being in my cabin in the mountains here in NC. It's very beautiful here but it's also very isolated and distant. Most folks here where I live are on many acres of property and are over the age of 60.
So yes. I've realized being around inspiring people, mentors, people who have already accomplished your dreams or similar ones. Being a fly on the wall and NOT being the smartest person in the room.
Cause' if you're the smartest person in the room, or the best at your skill in the room, you're probably in the wrong room yeah?
I think when you're an introverted extrovert, sometimes you need a push. That push for me is people. A push for a social life. And to have to create new things off of pre-existing knowledge had proven to be one of my weak points in 2020.
5. My level of impulse.
Love hate relationships. Yep. Love that sense of impulse. I love the crazy experiences it's brought me. And the stories I get to tell now. I don't think you attain an extraordinary life by weighing out the pros and cons and being careful with every decision you make.
Not that recklessness is the goal but I believe there's a balance and impulse can help you get there. However, in work life. Whether its a painting, a song, a website design. My sense of impulse doesn't belong there. My brain just never stops producing thoughts and doesn't understand the concept of finishing what you start.
So, note to self: Finish more of what you start.
6. Triggers and monotony
I've always known this. So let's call this confirmation.
I've learned about my triggers. Yep. I have them. And they all quite literally come from repetition.
I think it comes from my isolated childhood. I was homeschooled my whole life. Raised in a few different states on a lot of property. I didn't get my license until I moved out and never lived within walking distance to anything. So as an adult I see that manifesting in my need to be everywhere at once. Like I'm still trying to compensate for my childhood.
The awareness is great. But sometimes if I hear the same sound more than once, if someone around me is doing the same thing multiple days in a row, or watching the same show over and over again. It makes me irritated and short tempered. Tends to cause a depression or a mental cycle of "what am I doing with my life?".
7. Routine, though.
Contrary to the previous bullet point, I've learned that routine is not the enemy. In small doses, in the morning for example. I love to spend the first few hours without my phone. Without my laptop. With a good stretch or quick meditation. Something to prime me for my day.
Out of all the people I admire, that's the one thing they call have in common. A morning routine.
As un natural as it feels, it's something I wanted to adapt to. Something I could do anywhere though and something that wasn't too high maintenance.
So I decided to give myself the few things that I don't get the rest of the day.
Silence. And stretching.
I work an audio job, and so does my boyfriend. It's guaranteed that I'll hear sound or noise all day. So giving myself the few things that I'm often deprived of in order to improve my day is my baby steps to a morning routine.
It's something my little sister said.
It's very interesting to see how attached people get to their identity. Or their ego. People have an idea that the word "ego" is negative but all it really means is how you perceive yourself.
Once you tell yourself your incapable of doing something. For example, "i'm not the type of person to enjoy baseball". I'm probably going avoid things surrounding the subject due to lack of interest.
And when my sister said this, it reminded me of a time when I was living in Santa Monica, CA and I got tea with this random guy who worked for National Geographic (story for another time). I had met him at my gym and he told me something similar to "you don't see artists at the gym much" or "it's interesting you're into fitness and music because you don't see that often".
And it was a harmless little statement. But it made me wonder. If I really wrapped my identity up in music and performing, would I have avoided physical health? If I wrapped my ego up in personal training would I have then told myself I couldn't have been a performer? And I started to wonder what these things said about me?
When I put my ego on a pedestal and wrap your identity in all these likes and dislikes based on the small amount of things you've learned about yourself, it can be a very limiting frame of mind.